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The runoff victory speech that should have been given

cochranRecently, voters in a certain southern state were given a mulligan in the form of a Republican primary runoff election.  In the first primary, they merely sliced it into the weeds. For the runoff, well, they shanked it into the middle of the lake.

We think the victory speech by the certain winning senator from that certain southern state probably should have gone something like this:


Thank you everyone. It’s great to see all of you here. Where are we exactly?

Campaign aid whispers, “You’re at your campaign headquarters.”

Oh? Here at my campaign headquarters. I knew that. Just yesterday, Tuesday, I think it was, I told my campaign staff that today would be a great day.

Campaign aid whispers, “Today is Tuesday. Elections are always on Tuesday.”

(Turns to campaign aid) Really? Even the last election?

Campaign aid whispers, “Yes, Senator, even the last election.”

Everyone has worked so hard these past few weeks. You have no idea how hard it is to roll up that many $50 dollar bills.

And I stand here before you today to say that I have not done indecent things with animals since…

Campaign aid interrupts, “Senator, just drop it.”

(Turns to campaign aid) But…

Campaign aid repeats, “Drop it.”

I want everyone to know that I stand for Republican principles. We all know what those are.

(Turns to campaign aid) What are they again?

Well, uh, I mean, the principles of sending massive federal dollars here to our state. And with this election victory tonight, I can guaranty that will continue. If I would have lost, this wouldn’t be such a great state. In fact, it would be pretty lousy.

Campaign aid whispers, “It’s still pretty lousy.”

Uh, I mean lousier! And it’s Republican principles like food stamps for everyone, more welfare all around. Massive amounts of federal spending! Those Republican principles!

To my Republican supporters, I am one of you. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

Campaign aid, head in hands, sighs, “Good God, he’s quoting Lennon.”

Second campaign aid, “Vladimir Lenin?”

Campaign aid, “No, John Lennon. You know, the Beatles. If he says Goo Goo Goo Joob, I’ll just die.”

Goo Goo Goo Joob.

Campaign aid grouses, “Damnit!”

And to my Democratic friends who voted for me, I am one of you too. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. Although, your votes did cost me a bit more money. Uh, I think they called it “walk around” money. But we appreciate you voting for me today, no matter how many times you voted. We have been in contact with the state party and they tell me there will plenty more “walk around” money where that came from. Boy, you Democrats really walk around a lot!

You know, I remember when I was first elected to the Senate. Well, actually, no I don’t. I can hardly remember what I had for lunch today. I think it was chicken. No…no, it was fish. Kind of oily, if I recall.

Campaign aid interrupts, “You’re going off course, Senator.”

Well, anyway, I was just talking to my good friend, Bunky Huggins.

Campaign aid, interrupts again, “He’s dead.”

(Turns to campaign aid) Huh?

Campaign aid continues, “Died about eight years ago, I think”.

(Turns again to campaign aid) Bunky’s dead? (Tears begin to well up in his eyes.) Why wasn’t I told? Poor Bunky. Everyone, let us please have a moment of silence for dear old Bunky Huggins.

Campaign aid interrupts again, “Really? Just let Bunky rest in peace and move on.”

I’m excited to be headed back to Washington after this tough campaign.

Campaign aid pipes up again, “We still have the general election in November.”

(Turns to campaign aid) The what? Against the same guy? But I just won. It was expensive, but I won, right?

Campaign aid explains, “Yes, you won. But now you have to run against the Democrat.”

(Turns to campaign aid) But I just said I was one of them. I did say that, right? You know, I am he as you are…well, you know how it goes.

Campaign aid, interrupts again, “Just say good night, Senator.”

Good night, Senator!

Curtice Mang is the author of the two books, including the new book, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and the Odorous. He can be contacted at, where one can also purchase his books; or contact Curtice at mangwrites at


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