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Tied up in knots at Berkeley

There is big trouble at Berkeley. Sure, there is plenty of anti-free speech thuggery going on there, perpetrated by fascists – also known as the students and faculty. But that’s not necessarily what I’m referring to. Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have determined that the average shoelace comes untied with remarkable frequency.

This is clearly a catastrophe in the making. According to USA Today, the researchers noted that when shoelaces were tied the conventional way, i.e. the “bunny ears” technique; the laces came untied in every test. One needs only to walk in a normal way for a shoelace to untie regularly and consistently. Fortunately, the researchers identified a strong knot method of shoelace tying. Using this method, the laces came undone in half of the lab trials.

Berkeley was once ground zero for the so-called “free speech movement” in the 1960s. Today, it is quite clear that there can be no room for free speech when there is such a shoelace crisis running amok. What’s worse is that this didn’t seem to be a problem until Donald Trump was elected. During Obama’s eight years in the White House the national debt doubled, but shoelaces apparently stayed tied with a much greater regularity.

I suspect those at Berkeley strongly believe that knots are much weaker under Republican administrations. It has been suggested that during the George W. Bush administration shoelace knots across the nation came undone more often than Michael Moore ate cheeseburgers. Democratic presidents know how to tie knots and the country clearly follows. In fact, I have it on good authority that the whole Monica Lewinsky affair during the Bill Clinton administration began this way:

Lewinsky: Mr. President, I really like your knots.

Clinton: You’ve got great, um…knots too.

Lewinsky: But my shoes don’t even have laces.

Clinton: You’re wearing shoes?

Shoelace knots got a president impeached.

Further, climate researchers are also very concerned. If something isn’t done soon the friction caused with the unraveling of shoelace knots will lead to an increase in the global temperature by 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000002 degrees over the next 900 years. No wonder so many attendees at the March for Science were wearing Crocs. Bill Nye (The Pseudo-Science Guy) was seen to be openly weeping at the sight of his untied laces during the march.

Since it seems to be established that the cause of the untied shoelace crisis stems from conservatives, can anyone really blame higher education institutions such as Berkeley, Harvard and countless others for rioting at the thought of one of those shoelace fascists appearing one on of their campuses? I mean, c’mon, it only stands to reason. Sorry, Charles Murray, your shoelaces aren’t welcome here. Ann Coulter, don’t even think about it, you bigot. (Untied shoelaces disproportionally affect people of color. In fact, many minorities simply give up trying to tie their shoelaces at an early age, deciding it’s better to simply always leave their laces untied. If only we had invested more on the War on Poverty.)

Free lace zones exist on most college campuses around the country to provide a safe space for those traumatized students who must cope with the stigma of untied laces. President Trump, this is on your watch! Don’t bring your bunny ears ‘round here!

Fortunately, there is hope. Soon there will be an announcement of an exciting new protest march at cities across the country that will include the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Gore, Madonna, Debra Messing, Bill Nye, Pat (the Toyota ad guy), the few remaining on-air personalities at ESPN, and many others. Get ready for the March for …Velcro!


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