Today's Politicos vs The Words and Deeds of The Founders
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Are you now or have you ever been a conservative?

The time:  Some date in the future when the Democrats once again are the majority party in the House of Representatives.

The place:  A hearing of HAAC, the House on American Activities Committee.


Representative Milton Claypool (committee chair):  We have a witness that this committee has wanted to interrogate for some time.  His name is Mr. Alabaster Quinn.  He claims to be a writer, an actor of some note and an activist. Mr. Quinn, please state your name.

Alabaster Quinn: My name is Alabaster Quinn.

Claypool: And what is your occupation?

Quinn:  I am, as you mentioned, an actor of some note and a writer of some note also.  Activist may be too strong a term, but I pay attention to what’s going on.

Representative Milton ClaypoolClaypool:  As the name of this committee suggests, it is our job to ferret out and expose any Americans who do not believe, as all good progressives do, that the United States is a racist, misogynist, imperialist, war-mongering country.  This committee is particularly interested in some of your writing.  It seems, to put it bluntly, to be quite favorable to the United States.  For example, you regularly write positively about the United States Constitution as if it were a good thing.  Am I interpreting your writings correctly?

Quinn:  Yes, I believe you are.  I do believe the Constitution is a great document.

Claypool:  You do understand that this is the 21st century and no one really buys into that whole Constitution thing anymore?  Why, it’s barely thirty pages long, even accounting for all of the amendments.  Something that short was probably read by all of those that actually ratified it.  Not that I’ve ever actually read it, but my staff assures me it isn’t something that we need to pay attention to anymore.  Besides, it was written like four or five hundred years ago, right?

Quinn:  It’s not quite that old.  Important and meaningful documents needn’t be long.  Some of the greatest historical documents have actually been quite short.  The Gettysburg Address is very short. Lincoln said much in just a few words.

Claypool:  Who?

Quinn:  Lincoln.  Abraham Lincoln.

(Claypool confers with a staffer. “Who?” he repeats to the staffer.  “He was what?  A president?  Good Lord.”)

Claypool:  I’m glad you brought up Abraham Lincoln.  I hold in my hand evidence indicating that you are a member of something called Friends of Abe.  Do you deny being affiliated with such a group?

Quinn:  No, not at all.

Claypool:  What is this Friends of Abe group?

Quinn:  It’s just a group of like-minded people in the entertainment industry.  Generally, it’s those who lean to the right politically.

Claypool:  But you call the organization Friends of Abe.  Do you actually know Abraham Lincoln well enough to call yourselves friends?

Quinn:  Well, we don’t actually know him.  He’s been dead for a long time.

Claypool:  So you don’t deny being a member of this group.  Further, you don’t deny misrepresenting yourselves since not only are you not friends with Abe, you don’t even know the gentlemen.

Quinn:  You seem to be missing the point.  We chose the name because we agree with the ideals of Abraham Lincoln.  Further, we agree with the ideals set forth in the Constitution.  You know, the separation of powers, freedom of speech and religion, the right to bear arms. We like stuff like freedom, liberty, limited government, the whole nine yards.  Oh, we like capitalism too.

Claypool:  These are extreme and, quite frankly, nutty ideas.  Mr. Quinn, I ask you, are you now or have you ever been a conservative?  Are you are card carrying conservative?  I remind you, you are under oath.

Quinn:  I am a Republican.  I think you could call me a conservative.  I’ve got a voter identification card, if that’s what you mean.

(A startled hush falls over the committee)

Claypool:  Are you being coy with this committee, Mr. Quinn?

Quinn:  I don’t think so.  I said you could call me a conservative.

Claypool:  So, you don’t deny it?  You don’t deny being a conservative?

Quinn:  No.  It’s not yet a crime.

Claypool:  Not yet, but we’re working on it.  Your testimony is just downright dangerous. This committee is greatly disturbed that you and this Friends of Abe group could actually promote dangerous concepts like liberty and freedom to the impressionable minds of American youth.  Our youngsters watch movies quite often, I have been told.  Do your movies promote such things?

Quinn:  As an actor, if I make a movie, I’m just playing a character.  In that respect, I’m in the entertainment business.  I’m just pretending to be something I’m not.  Sort of like being a politician.

Claypool:  I’m outraged!  I believe I can speak for all of the committee members here today by saying that I take exception to that remark.  We hold our beliefs strongly.  Why, just last night I attended a fundraiser where I expressed my deeply held beliefs about any number of important topics. Those who attended the fundraiser were very generous with their donations.  Those beliefs I expressed at that fundraiser I hold very close to my heart – until I deposit them.

Now, are you willing to name names?  Will you state before this committee the identities of other members of this Friends of Abe group?

Quinn:  I don’t really see that as my place.  Any member who chooses to can declare themselves publicly as a member.  However, many are concerned that their association with Friends of Abe, if known publicly, would affect their ability to work in the entertainment industry.

Claypool:  Are you saying there is a blacklist in Hollywood for conservatives?

Quinn:  I can’t say for sure.  I do know that there have been some members who worked steadily before it was public knowledge that they are conservatives.  Since then, they get fewer offers for acting jobs than Danny Bonaduce or Eric Estrada.

Claypool:  Are you aware of any conservatives that have infiltrated the government?

Quinn:  Well, I vote for a few each election.  Some of them even win.  However, from what I’ve seen, the bureaucracy seems to be pretty conservative-free.

Claypool:  And we try diligently to keep it that way.

Quinn:  So I’ve noticed.

Claypool:  You and your Friends of Abe seem to have some other very peculiar views that we are quite concerned about.  For instance, your writings indicate that climate just changes, that it’s not all caused by human activity.  It sounds like you are a climate change denier.  That is a position contrary to the position of this committee or the people we meet at fundraisers and cocktail parties.  Do you deny that you are a denier?

Quinn:  Deny that I’m a denier?  Well, yes.  I’m not a climate change denier.  I think that climate changes, you know, all the time.  That’s what climate does.  I’m not a scientist, but it seems that the climate is pretty complex.  I don’t buy into the orthodoxy that the science is settled.  That statement seems a bit anti-science.  I think that attempting to shut off debate is also anti-science.  Sir, are you anti-science?

Claypool: Certainly not, and I’ve got a picture of Al Gore and me in my office to prove it.  He’s got a Nobel Prize and an Oscar and maybe even a Grammy.  (Claypool confers with staffer.  “Does he have a Grammy?  He does?  For that thing with Bette Midler, right?”)  You can’t get much more scientific than that.

Earlier you mentioned that you have a voter identification card.  What’s all this about your support of voter identification laws?  It is the opinion of this committee that voter identification laws are bad for some very good reasons, none of which come to mind at the moment.  Do you deny that you favor such laws?

Quinn:  I don’t deny it.  I do favor such laws.  Being able to prove you are who you say you are doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.

Claypool:  Not unreasonable?  Of course it is.

(Claypool confers with staffer.  “It is, isn’t it?  Unreasonable, I mean.  That is our position, right?  I thought so.”)

Quinn:  You apparently didn’t find it unreasonable that I was required to show my identification to gain entrance to this building today, did you?

(Claypool confers with staffer again.  “He did, huh?  Just one form of identification, though, right?  Are we still taking blood samples?”)

Claypool:  That’s different.  This is the United States House of Representatives.  It’s a federal building. It’s the law.

Quinn:  But, that’s my point.

Claypool:  Mr. Quinn, you have not allayed this committee’s concerns about you and the Friends of Abe and conservatives in general.  We will be sending a formal request to cabinet level secretaries that the Friends of Abe be investigated by the Internal Revenue Service, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service, the United States Mint, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, the Bureau of Reclamation, and the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

Quinn: The Bureau of Indian Affairs?  The Mint?  That seems a bit extreme.

Claypool:  Not as extreme as your pro-American ideas.

Curtice Mang is the author of the two books, including the new book, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and the Odorous. He can be contacted at, where one can also purchase his books; or contact Curtice at mangwrites at


1 Ron S { 04.08.14 at 7:02 am }

Are you sure Mr Claypool is not Nancy Pelosi in disguise?


Curtice Mang Reply:


I’ll leave that up to you to decide.


2 Jim Kress { 04.08.14 at 7:32 am }

0bama’s Plans for the Future

0bama: “With the reprehensible opposition to my policies that continues to occur in our country it is apparent that my planned dictatorship and revenge, which are to start immediately, are going to be difficult to impose. In order to save our children we need to take stronger measures. So, to combat this torrential outpouring of opposition, I am happy to issue an Executive Order that will make opposition a federal offense, punishable by life imprisonment or death. I hope we can get bi-partisan support so we can cure our ailing country, provide a wholesome environment for our children, and keep the good times rolling.”

Democrat congressional support is immediate and enthusiastic. Speaking for the entire Democrat party Chuck Schumer, joined by Joe Biden, Janet Napolitano, Harry Reid, Eric Holder, Kathleen Sebelius, Hillary Clinton, Major Owens, Carl Levin, and Debbie Stabenow, stated “We enthusiastically endorse this Executive Order by the president. We all know opposition must be stopped and this is the best way to do it. We can only hope some of the strongly partisan people who want Liberty will see the light and work with us to eradicate opposition from our country and the lives of our children.”

With the support of moderate Republicans (RINOs), the Executive Order is implemented, uncontested.

It is then sent to the Justice Department for fleshing out into specific rules, regulations, policies, and procedures to specify how the Executive Order would be implemented and enforced. Little reported by the media (and so little noticed by the populace), is a proviso in the Executive Order that exempts it from the Freedom of Information Act and any Federal (or State) requirements for public disclosure of any proceedings carried out in the determination of the specific rules, regulations, and procedures to specify how the Executive Order would be implemented and enforced.

The Justice Department quickly completes its task and begins implementation of the rules, regulations, policies and procedures. As authorized by the Executive Order, the first step is to combine key elements of all Federal law enforcement agencies into a new Cabinet Office called “Government Employees STanding Against opposition and Punishing Offenders (GESTAPO). Also authorized were Controlled Access Malfeasant Prisons (CAMPS) for the retention of opposition offenders as well as the Occasionally Ventilated opposition Nooks (OVENs) needed to provide a final solution for the disposition of CAMP inmates.

Opponents of the Executive Order, who are quick to point out the similarity of this organization with the secret police used by Hitler to murder millions of Jews, Christians, and Gypsies, are immediately labeled hate mongers and followers of Liberty. They are excoriated by the US news media, especially MSNBC and Rachel Maddow. CBS, NBC, ABC, and CNN News dutifully intones the response of the Obama White House, “Any resemblance is purely unintentional and is only being pointed out because of the opposition nature of the legislation’s opponents.” David Axelrod is quoted as saying: “These partisan, opposition right wing extremists will stop at nothing to harm our children, destroy our country and vilify a fine, honest, law abiding President. They should shut up and get out of the way of our attempts to rid our country of all opposition and provide an environment where our children can be safe, secure, well loved, and have high levels of self esteem.”

Obama holds a press conference where, surrounded by children and beaming with pride, he introduces the black suited head of the GESTAPO who announces that enforcement of the law will commence immediately. One reporter who stands and attempts to ask a question about the suspension of existing laws by the GESTAPO, is immediately arrested by GESTAPO officers and hustled out of the room. Everyone remaining in the room applauds as Obama states “See, this first arrest under the Executive Order shows we are serious about eliminating opposition from our midst! Woe to those opposition people who resist our efforts to stamp them out! (pounding on the podium for emphasis)”

That night, in a scene eerily reminiscent of the 1930’s Krystal Nacht, thousands of people suddenly disappear – all across America. Some of the notables missing include Rush Limbaugh, Edwin J. Feulner, Justin Amash, Rand Paul, Pat Buchannan, Mark Scott and other persons of a strongly Conservative or Libertarian persuasion. The staff of the Conservative News Network and National Review vanish without a trace. The national NRA meeting is inexplicably terminated because most of the membership also does not show. The Reagan Library is mysteriously destroyed. All members of any TEA organization are husteled into waiting trains of cattle cars and are not seen again.

The next day people gather around their expresso machines and discuss the remarkable events of the previous night. “Did you see the black GESTAPO vans last night?”, they ask each other. “Yes” they said. “I even helped identify that opposition right wing neighbor of mine so he and his family could be taken to the CAMPs.” Others look worried and do not join in the conversations.

Later that evening, Obama holds a press conference to announce the initial results of the GESTAPO enforcement activities. He states:

“I am happy to announce that our plan to cleanse opposition from America is ahead of schedule! Due to the active participation of people like Ted Turner, Alec Baldwin, Jane Fonda, the members of NOW, People for the American Way, the ACLU, PETA, the Childrens Defense Fund, AARP, and Green Peace (as well as many other “liberty for me but not for thee” people and organizations) we have begun the arduous process of sweeping opposition from America. We are succeeding beyond our wildest expectations. We are actively working to clean the opposition residue from the OVENs so we can process more opposition people. Soon I will be able to announce that opposition has been eliminated from America! ”

The media cheers wildly! Obama leaves the press conference with his hands raised in a victory salute.

People turn off their TVs. Some look at each other and say “What have we done?”

Later that night, Satan looks up at Obama from his throne in Hell, smiles and says, “Well done good and faithful servant”.


3 marcia { 04.08.14 at 9:53 am }

Brendan Eich is awaiting a call from Claypool/Pelosi
as we write.


Curtice Mang Reply:

Just checked, there sems to be a long line forming behind Mr. Eich.


4 Ann Herzer { 04.08.14 at 6:18 pm }

I absolutely loved this article. It is so clever! Thank you! I’m sending it out to many.


Curtice Mang Reply:

Thanks much for your comments!


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